


that is sign number one its ranked even higher than having an actual penis in your mouth like that coulda been an accident with a funny backstory

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21768904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk about being gay.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 18
Kudos: 220





	that is sign number one its ranked even higher than having an actual penis in your mouth like that coulda been an accident with a funny backstory

KARKAT: OK, I’M CALLING IT NOW. DANE COOK AND JASON BIGGS ARE TOTALLY GONNA GET TOGETHER.  
DAVE: no theyre not  
KARKAT: OH COME ON, DAVE! ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE!  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, YOU SAID YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN THIS ONE, SO YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!  
DAVE: i know but just trust me  
DAVE: theyre not gonna get together  
DAVE: i can guaran fucking tee it  
KARKAT: UGH, IS THIS MORE FUCKING SINGLE QUADRANT BULLSHIT?  
KARKAT: SINCE HE’S WITH KATE HUDSON HE CAN’T BE ALSO WITH DANE COOK?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR SPECIES’ APPARENT QUADRANT ILLITERACY, DANE AND KATE ARE SENDING SOME *STRONG* SPADES VIBES.  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: i mean yes that is definitely one reason  
DAVE: that quadrant shit is obviously never going to be happening ever  
DAVE: but more to the point its because theyre both dudes  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS AGAIN!  
DAVE: look karkat i dont know what to tell you man  
DAVE: you can hope and scheme and pray all you want  
DAVE: but there is absolutely positively no way in hell these guys are getting together  
KARKAT: THIS IS RIDICULOUS!  
DAVE: yeah well too bad thats just how it fuckin is  
DAVE: that shit just does not happen in movies  
DAVE: or at least not movies with fucking dane cook in them  
KARKAT: WAIT. HOLD THE *FUCK* UP.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SAYING IN MOVIES WITHOUT DANE COOK IT *DOES* HAPPEN?  
DAVE: yeah karkat thats exactly what im saying  
DAVE: earth movies exist in a binary state where either dane cook is the principal actor or there are dudes constantly banging each other you have finally cracked the key to our civilization whyd it take you so long  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!  
DAVE: honestly thatd probably be hell for you since those seem to be your two main points of interest and never the twain shall meet shit what a frustrating fucking existence youre lucky you never saw earth bro  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT DAVE, CAN YOU *PLEASE* JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!  
DAVE: i donno im pretty sure i did  
KARKAT: NO YOU *FUCKING* DIDN’T! YOU JUST SPOUTED YOUR USUAL BULLSHIT! I ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION, AND I’M GOING TO ASK IT AGAIN IN THE VAIN HOPE OF GETTING A SIMPLE FUCKING ANSWER FOR ONCE:  
KARKAT: ARE THERE ACTUALLY EARTH MOVIES WHERE TWO “DUDES” GET TOGETHER ROMANTICALLY?  
DAVE: yeah of course there are  
KARKAT: !  
DAVE: but theyre all gay movies  
DAVE: where the whole point of it is that the people in it are gay  
DAVE: and thats it thats the plot  
DAVE: they meet they bone they get caught maybe they get back together maybe one or both of them dies its sad the end  
DAVE: thats a gay movie  
KARKAT: WELL THIS IS FUCKING NEWS TO ME, THE WAY YOU’VE BEEN TALKING, DAVE!  
KARKAT: ...DO YOU HAVE ANY?  
DAVE: any what  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ANY WHAT?” ANY “GAY MOVIES?” ON YOUR COMPUTER?  
DAVE: no i fucking dont jesus  
KARKAT: WHY NOT?  
DAVE: because if you have gay movies on your computer that means youre gay thats why not  
DAVE: like that is sign number one its ranked even higher than having an actual penis in your mouth like that coulda been an accident with a funny backstory but if you got a movie you had to deliberately download that whole thing with fuckin INTENT to WATCH  
KARKAT: OK, FUCK, I GET IT!  
KARKAT: AND BY THAT I OBVIOUSLY MEAN I DON’T GET A SINGLE FUCKING THING ABOUT IT AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY EVER BE CONSTRUED AS A PROBLEM-  
DAVE: pffff  
KARKAT: *BUT* I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS SERIOUSLY CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE OF EARTH.  
KARKAT: LIKE THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENED OFTEN ENOUGH THEY MADE MOVIES ABOUT IT? IT’S SOMETHING THAT HUMANS ACTUALLY DID?  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: you mean “be gay?”  
DAVE: yeah of fucking course humans did it  
DAVE: we have a fucking word for it dont we  
KARKAT: ...I GUESS SO.  
DAVE: in fact we have a lot of fucking words for it  
DAVE: maybe more words than for anything else sometimes seems like  
DAVE: and they all very conveniently double as insults so theres a lotta versatility there  
KARKAT: INSULTS?  
DAVE: yeah pretty much all of em  
DAVE: usually having to do with being weak or girly  
KARKAT: OK WEAK I CAN DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND.  
DAVE: haha what the fuck  
KARKAT: WHAT? LIFE ON ALTERNIA WAS ALL ABOUT PROVING YOU WEREN’T WEAK! IF THERE’S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT IT’S THAT.  
DAVE: oh right  
DAVE: haha for a sec there i thought i SERIOUSLY misread you but nevermind  
KARKAT: OK WHATEVER MOVING ON TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS THAT DON’T INVOLVE JUST LAUGHING AT ME FOR REASONS I DON’T UNDERSTAND...  
KARKAT: CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THE “GIRLY” THING TO ME?  
KARKAT: WHY IS THAT AN INSULT?  
DAVE: oh yeah shit i forgot alternia was a utopia with perfect gender parity my mistake  
KARKAT: OH COME THE FUCK *ON* DAVE, CAN YOU CUT THE SHIT FOR JUST ONE SECOND?  
KARKAT: SURE, ALTERNIA HAD PROBLEMS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT’S ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT AND ANYWAY I DON’T EXACTLY REMEMBER DEFENDING ANY OF THEM TO YOU!  
KARKAT: OH YEAH THIS PLACE THAT WANTED ME DEAD HAD *EQUALITY ISSUES!* YEAH DAVE YOU REALLY GOT ME STRAIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING HEART I DON’T KNOW HOW I’LL EVER RECOVER FROM THAT ONE.  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: LOOK, FOR ONCE BY SOME MIRACLE WE’RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT YOUR SHIT AND I’M TRYING REALLY REALLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND, SO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FUCKING EXPLAIN THIS TO ME WITHOUT DEFLECTING EVERY SINGLE WORD I SAY??  
DAVE: wow uh  
DAVE: yeah ok you got me i guess  
DAVE: i can do that  
DAVE: um...  
DAVE: ok so as far as the whole “girly” thing uh the basic general earth consensus was pretty much that if youre into dudes then you must be a girl  
DAVE: and being a girl is bad  
KARKAT: WAS IT BAD?  
DAVE: what being a girl?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: yeah i mean in a lotta ways i think it kinda was  
DAVE: like not inherently bad  
DAVE: but in the way the world treated you  
KARKAT: BUT ROSE IS A GIRL.  
DAVE: yeah she is  
KARKAT: AND SHE SEEMS SO ON TOP OF HER SHIT. A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES MORE THAN YOU!  
DAVE: yeah because shes fucking rose and shes a one hundred percent badass who wont take shit from nobody OR their momma  
KARKAT: ?  
DAVE: look im not sayin you couldnt be a girl and be cool  
DAVE: thats not true at all  
DAVE: im just sayin sometimes the world had other ideas i think  
DAVE: seriously maybe you should actually ask her if you want a sense  
DAVE: like just say the words gender politics to her and shell have an afternoons worth of choice words for you  
KARKAT: OK. UM. SPEAKING OF WHICH. ON THE SUBJECT OF ROSE...  
DAVE: haha oh yeah you mean her and kanaya right  
KARKAT: WELL... YEAH.  
DAVE: yeah she and kanaya are certainly hot and heavy and thats chill  
KARKAT: THAT’S *CHILL?* WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?  
DAVE: what do YOU think is going on man you seem to be mystified by this despite the fact that its happening right in front of you  
KARKAT: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING TELL ME ANYTHING! ALL I EVER GET ARE WEIRD JOKES AND DEFLECTIONS AND SILENCE, OH MY GOD THE *SILENCE* IS THE FUCKING WORST!  
KARKAT: ALSO I’M... KIND OF AFRAID TO ASK ROSE.  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: OK HONESTLY DAVE, LEFT TO MY OWN FUCKING DEVICES, JUST FORCED TO BLINDLY FEEL MY WAY TO MY OWN INTERPRETATION WITH NOT SO MUCH AS A WARMER OR COLDER FROM YOU, I GUESS I FIGURED ROSE WAS A SPECIAL CASE. OR JUST EXTREMELY OPEN MINDED FOR A HUMAN.  
DAVE: naw  
KARKAT: “NAW???”  
DAVE: ok i mean rose IS open minded but i dont think thats whats goin on here  
DAVE: i think she actually is probably just gay  
KARKAT: AND THAT’S NOT WEIRD?  
DAVE: “weird?”  
DAVE: hell no its not “weird”  
KARKAT: WELL YOU COULD’VE FUCKING FOOLED ME, DAVE!  
DAVE: ugh look  
DAVE: i know it doesnt get brought up a lot-  
KARKAT: THAT’S A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT!  
DAVE: -but that doesnt mean it was actually that unusual...  
KARKAT: REALLY??  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: feeling... that way?  
DAVE: no i dont think it really fucking was like i dont have any facts and figures or like pie charts for you  
DAVE: but whatever people said out loud i think it was definitely at least a whole fuck of a lot higher than that  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: honestly it might actually be easier for rose  
KARKAT: WHY? BECAUSE SHE’S ON TOP OF HER SHIT?  
DAVE: no goddamn it doesnt have to do with that  
DAVE: its like... ugh...  
DAVE: ok despite what i said a minute ago i think this might be one area where it actually was slightly better to be a girl  
DAVE: i mean it wasnt EASY dont get me wrong i think it was still probably pretty fucking hard  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: like for girls at least it wasnt SO inextricably tied up with questions of masculinity and being tough  
DAVE: such that if youre too nice to your friend youre gay  
DAVE: and if you like anything too much youre gay  
DAVE: and if you show any emotion oh hey you wanna take a wild guess what you are  
DAVE: yes thats right gay you looked too long at a flower once you are one hundred percent into cock thanks for playing  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: look man i can just tell from your face that you dont know dick about this and maybe thats on me maybe i just havent told you anything despite you fucking asking again and again so sorry i guess its all my fucking fault  
DAVE: cuz i mean youre DEFINITELY not gonna get any sense from these movies because it isnt even mentioned at all in a lot of them apart from the odd sly ass joke here and there which in its own right is all KINDS of revealing  
DAVE: but just to give you some context rose is apparently hella fucking gay and I DIDNT KNOW  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah oh is fuckin right i was one of her closest friends and i had no fuckin clue  
DAVE: like dont get me wrong im incredibly fucking happy for her  
DAVE: even back then if shed told me dave i have something dire to tell you are you sitting down ok here goes i am all about the ladies  
DAVE: like specifically fashion savvy alien vampire ladies if i can get my hands on any but barring that like if we just have to stay here on earth forever a regular human lady will do just fine  
DAVE: oh yes by the way would you like to borrow my lilith fair cd you dont even have to return it i have ten  
DAVE: ...i woulda been super hella supportive at least i REALLY fuckin hope i wouldve  
DAVE: but it never fucking came up!  
DAVE: it was just something you didnt say on earth  
DAVE: at least not sincerely  
DAVE: you were allowed to joke about it full tilt in fact that was very much encouraged if you didnt THAT was suspect in and of itself  
DAVE: but you didnt entertain it seriously  
DAVE: especially not at our age  
DAVE: and especially not...  
DAVE: ok somethin else you gotta understand is that some places were definitely more uh accepting than others  
DAVE: and some situations  
DAVE: like for example if you were 13 years old  
DAVE: in the year of our lord 2009  
DAVE: in texas  
DAVE: being raised by a combat-obsessed hyper masculine control freak whose bloodhound senses are tuned specifically to seek out your every weakness  
DAVE: that was not  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: that was not a thing that you were ok?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: i mean honestly i probably shoulda just stopped at texas i donno why i got so deep into my own shit there like trust me just sayin texas is enough anybody from earth would hear that and say oh fuckin texas yeah man george bush rodeos guns say no more bro i fuckin GET it  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: all im sayin is there were a lot of forces to make you not want to even think about it too hard  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i think honestly the places my friends grew up were a hell of a lot better  
DAVE: like rose was in the northeast with a super suave and intellectual mom  
DAVE: she gets away for five minutes and shes happy as a lil lesbian clam boom no adjustment necessary apparently  
DAVE: john grew up in the northwest, where i think it woulda been not that huge of a problem and also his dad fucking loved him unconditionally he prolly woulda just started baking him rainbow cakes all the time or some shit  
DAVE: but of course johns straight as an extremely clueless arrow so thats a moot fucking point  
DAVE: jade grew up on a fucking volcano in the ocean with her dead grampa and a magic dog, so ALL bets of social norms are off there  
DAVE: but she also made it pretty clear that she was into  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: boys  
DAVE: in general  
DAVE: so i guess what im sayin is as far as places to grow up at least in america and its magical satellites  
DAVE: texas was a pretty raw fuckin deal  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i mean thank god im not gay or i woulda had a really really fucking hard time  
DAVE: i feel sorry for all those poor motherfuckers who were like i cant even imagine how much that woulda sucked jesus fuckin christ  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah whats up  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.  
DAVE: yeah what about  
KARKAT: I UH...  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY I WAS GOING ON SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR MOVIES.  
DAVE: its ok man really its fine  
KARKAT: NO, I’M SERIOUS. I GUESS... I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A THING THIS WAS ON EARTH.  
KARKAT: LIKE THE IMPRESSION I GOT FROM YOU AND JOHN WAS THAT IT JUST WASN’T A THING AT ALL.  
KARKAT: OR AT LEAST IT WAS REALLY RARE.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: BUT APPARENTLY IT WASN’T. APPARENTLY IT WAS A *BIG* THING, POPULATED BY A WHOLE SUBCLASS-  
DAVE: subclass??  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: oh shit i did not say that that sounds fucking horrible you better not fucking tell rose you think i said that jesus  
KARKAT: NO IT’S FINE!  
KARKAT: I MEAN DON’T GET ME WRONG! *I’M* A SUBCLASS. A SUBCLASS OF ONE! A FUCKING SHOOT-ON-SIGHT SUBCLASS. HOW MUCH DOES THAT FUCKING SUCK!  
DAVE: dude karkat...  
KARKAT: NO IT’S OK! REALLY. I’M GETTING UH... BETTER AT TALKING ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: WHAT I’M TRYING TO GET AT HERE IS THAT I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO RELATE... MORE THAN I INITIALLY THOUGHT.  
DAVE: ...relate to what exactly  
KARKAT: TO UM.  
KARKAT: GAY HUMANS.  
KARKAT: IN GENERAL.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah i donno i guess maybe you could  
DAVE: there werent exactly many mutants on the big screen on alternia huh  
KARKAT: NO. NONE. THEY WERE ALL DEAD.  
DAVE: haha shit man  
KARKAT: AND I GUESS I CAN UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BETTER NOW WHY JOHN WAS SO, UM, OFF PUT.  
KARKAT: WHEN I, YOU KNOW...  
KARKAT: CAME ONTO HIM.  
DAVE: oh god that  
DAVE: no look  
DAVE: john wasnt tryna hide something or put you down or anything like that  
DAVE: look johns not gay  
KARKAT: BUT IF-  
DAVE: no im just pretty fuckin sure about that ok trust me  
DAVE: but like... i also think it just kinda never would have even occurred to him to think otherwise anyways  
DAVE: like he wasnt deflecting out of self preservation or meanness or anything like that  
DAVE: he was just givin you a straight answer pun not intended but boom nailed it  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: nevermind  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: look john is like... a really kindly slightly outta touch old person trapped in the body of your best buddy who is somehow exactly your age  
DAVE: sometimes hes gonna say something kinda clueless because he doesnt even realize it  
DAVE: its the only fuckin clue hes got  
DAVE: but he doesnt mean anything by it  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: UM. DAVE? I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU’RE GETTING AT HERE.  
DAVE: man i donno either half the time  
DAVE: i think what im tryna say is  
DAVE: when we actually do see john in like a million fucking light years from now  
DAVE: dont give him too hard a time  
KARKAT: WHAT? OF COURSE I’M NOT GOING TO!  
DAVE: i mean dont just launch into a fucking tirade at him  
KARKAT: BUT TIRADES ARE MY THING, DAVE! TIRADES ARE ALL I’VE GOT! HE’S GOING TO BE EXPECTING ONE FROM ME!  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: ok maybe a little tirade  
DAVE: shit it might do him some good  
DAVE: just... dont lay it on too thick ok  
KARKAT: OK, FINE.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: boy we sure have been talkin about john a lot huh  
KARKAT: I GUESS? I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BROUGHT HIM UP FIRST, HONESTLY.  
DAVE: yeah well maybe now i wanna  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: bring him... down i guess  
KARKAT: OK. SURE. WE CAN DO THAT.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah karkat whats up  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HEH, YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION, AND NOW I COMPLETELY FORGOT WHAT IT WAS.  
DAVE: haha really?  
KARKAT: YEAH. IT JUST... YEP IT’S TOTALLY GONE. I CAN’T REMEMBER IT AT ALL.  
DAVE: must not have been too important  
KARKAT: YEAH MAYBE NOT.  
DAVE: well if you ever remember what it was  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: you can ask me  
KARKAT: OK DAVE. THANKS.  
KARKAT: I WILL.  



End file.
